Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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