He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
