2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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