i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
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