What did we do last night that was yellow?
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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