I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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