rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
So... he formspringed me a link to every nude pic ive taken since he 8th grade. ive evolved nicely. but im nervous as to how this a website.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Randomize
