Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Randomize
