i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
True strength comes from lack of pants
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
