I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
