woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
