the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
