did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
