and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
