The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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