Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
