I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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