The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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