i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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