thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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