Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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