Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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