i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
