Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
