in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
