My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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