I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
