my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
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