just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
