Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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