awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Randomize
