the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
