I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Randomize
