My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Randomize
