Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Randomize
