I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
