so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
