1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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