So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
