I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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