Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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