I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
