My first STD was from a foam party
the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
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