this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
so let's talk penis.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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