I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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