I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Randomize
