My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
