i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
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