I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Randomize
