I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
