my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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