you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
