i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
